I will spare you the dramatic happy go lucky opening this go around. Normally when I go so sit down and write I feel a sense of happiness and pride. I know that I am good at it and no matter who reads or doesn’t read. Whether only my eyes see it, five, or fifty, I know its something no one can take from me. My talent. But lately, in life’s natural form, I have been finding it the hardest to write. I have literally been repeating this same sentence over and over in my head for the last couple of weeks.
For some odd reason sitting down to write had literally been the very thing I have been avoiding. I pride myself on being open and transparent on my blog and YouTube channel but that part of me has been kinda shut off. I have so many feelings that go up and down that taking the time to truly sit down and articulate how I feel or been feeling is just difficult because in all honesty, I’m not even sure I can even grasp how feel all the time and I’m literally the on feeling it.
My intention in writing this post is not to throw a pity party or to get anyone to feel sorry for me, but it is to let you know a few things:
- I have made it my goal this year to truly pour myself into my work and my writing, its the very thing I need to over indulge in to feel better.
- This is part of the reason I have not been consistent with my blog posting, I am human and have allowed how I am feeling to effect other things and that is a really shitty thing to do.
- Depression is real, sadness is real and don’t ever allow anyone to make you feel bad for simply feeling. It’s beautiful both good and bad.
- Don’t ever let people or social media make you think you or your life is suppose to be a certain type of way. Life is life. Sometimes you are in control and sometimes your are not. Cant worry yourself about what you can’t control or what others are doing. (Please believe I have to repeat this to myself every day.)
I am at a transitional place in my life. Everything is unknown and confusing. I don’t know what to do half the time, who will be around, or even what job I will have in the next couple years. I am just going with the flow which seems like the best option. I a, blessed and grateful beyond measure by everything life has brought my way but I would be lying if I said there wasn’t moment I wanted to give up or times where it has been extremely hard. But the first step I getting better is WANTING to get better. I have set out a list of goals for myself to keep my mind and soul balanced. To take back my happiness. If the person reading this has felt the same way, you are not alone. It is okay to take back your happiness. Its okay to want better for yourself emotionally. Its okay to feel. We are in this together.
I thought it would be fitting to make my first post back a simple, yet raw post just flushing out some things.
Thank you literally to the people who have supported and kept up with me from the beginning for this journey. I will not let you down. Time to start being Amber again! Stay tuned for more posts to come!
Amber Marie Mack